Happy Thanksgiving

I didn't grow up in a perfect family, immediate or extended. We we and those that remain, are flawed characters. When I look back at my childhood, there are things that stand out, like a beacon that sends the message, "you figured it out, anyway."

Thanksgivings, for my family were mostly spent with my Nanny & Pop Pop. They lived in an apartment, and there was a folding table in the closet in the living room. It came out on Thanksgiving, and Nanny cooked a dinner for whomever was coming to eat.

It wasn't everyone, not really ever, it was cousins, great aunts & uncles, sometimes from across the miles, but the cast of characters changed each year. The thing that didn't change was the feeling. Walking in to see my Nanny in the smallest kitchen with the food being prepared...all of it. Someone might bring a pie, but the dinner...all of it, was cooked in that tiny kitchen, and laid out strategically on that small kitchen table waiting for it's turn on a burner, or in the oven, after "Tom Turkey" vacated.

I vividly recall my final Thanksgiving in that apartment. My Pop Pop at the table, and the myriad arrangement of family there too.

Most of them are gone now, either passed away, or passed through my life for one reason or another.

That is my Thanksgiving...my childhood.

When David and I got married, we decided that Thanksgiving would be our thing. We shared our first one with my brother-in-law Tom, and a burned Turkey.

We have gotten much better at it over the years.

Last week, after one of my shopping trips to prepare for the day, I was overwhelmed by the feeling of disbelief that this Thanksgiving, I'm the grandmother. I am hoping that Piper & Evy will call me something other than "nanny" as I called mine,but that doesn't change the role. I hope nothing more than to be the memory that is at the corner of their consciousness when they remember their childhoods, and that they think of at least a few, maybe many Thanksgivings at my table, and David & I waiting for the arrival of those first born grandchildren and any of their cousins that might come along, and their parents, that spent every childhood Thanksgiving Eve, making pies, and helping prepare the stuffing, until they grew up, got jobs that kept them at work or moved away and had families of their own. I want to be a constant. A soft place to fall, for all of my kids, their loves, their kids, and their kids friends. I have arrived at a plot point that you find in any happily ever after story. I am Lila Quartermaine (forgive the General Hospital shout out) in real life. The idea has weight. It has responsibility, and I will learn as I continue to grow in the role. I am Grateful this Thanksgiving for the opportunity to stay on the path down which this beautiful life has led me. I thankfully acknowledge those who went before, and shaped me into the person that is up at 4:30 getting my thoughts together, before the kids start to stir, looking for Pumpkin Bread that I'm about to bake. I am grateful for each person in my life, past, present and future that will, or have woven the fabric of family that I cherish for connection, even if some are just memories. Happy Thanksgiving. xxoo C

Progress

I haven't posted every day, like I had intended.
The weekend got lazy and by "the weekend" I mean I got lazy.  We had a really slow, easy few days, and I kept my thinking and philosophizing to a minimum.
I haven't fallen down on my "no spend" September.  I stayed out of stores, except for Publix.  I grocery shopped, and that was it.  I usually use things like cleansers, paper products, dog food, as excuses to go to Target to "save" money.  I bought everything we needed at one place this week.

September is shaping up to be really busy, so that will help.
I spent some time getting organized in my craft corner this weekend, and that is also on my list of September "to dos".  I sat down and made a pretty card for my Aunt Mary and enclosed some photos of the kids, including Piper and Evy.  I know that will make her happy.  Those are the mindful things I'm trying to accomplish, so far, so good.

I am moving onward from my lapse of Blogging, and rebooting my ambition.

I am looking ahead.
How is your September going?

xxoo C.

Labor Day Weekend

So if you know me, you know how I spent my childhood teenage, and many of my adult years.
I spent them watching the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon.  I have NO shame.
I would spend the night with my cousins and we would attempt to stay awake all night.  I had a mad crush on Brett Hudson, (Kate Hudson's defunct uncle) and he appeared in the seventies.  There were always appearances by the superstars, Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. and of course, Jerry himself.  There was a surprise when Dean Martin surprised Jerry after many years of being estranged, and Maureen McGovern would always sing, and she is a really good singer.
It was a tradition.
When Zachary was young, I turned him on, and we would hang all night...in a pile on the floor, with Telethon Snacks.  I didn't care one bit if it was the snacks or the Telethon that we were both looking forward to.
Regan & Lucas caught on...they didn't really ever hang, but Lucas would try.  Rosey really never got a chance.
I miss the Telethon.  I miss that super fun memory that was so silly.  I always pledged. I always counted my blessings.
Today I wanted to spend a minute remembering that time, that "thing" that was "my thing".
I remember one particular Labor Day weekend when Zachary had moved to NY for Acting School.
He flew in to meet us in Charleston and we rented a condo at the Wild Dunes.  The condo was really good, and it had a great screened in room with a big t.v. Zachary indulged me and we piled up cushions and pillows and we hung out on that porch.  We didn't stay awake, we probably didn't try.
I don't think that was the year Elton John opened with "I'm Still Standing" (poor choice, considering...well everything) but it was the last time I remember being with Zachary in the Telethon Bubble we would create.
MDA had a falling out with Jerry Lewis, so that isn't a thing anymore.
I miss it.
I miss a lot of things.
I miss being able to stay up all night with people I love, cuddled up in sleeping bags, eating snacks and waiting for the acts to get better.
It is okay to miss things, it means they were special.

Day two

I'm planning to get more creative.
I have some topics I've written down to Blog about, so I'll start sifting through them.
Tonight, it is Friday of a three day weekend and I am going to just wax poetic about the need for a break at the end of Summer.
I love Summer.  This happened to be the hottest on record, and I have a new job that required me to be outside for at least 15 or my 40 hours per week.  I was hired as Manager of Special Events for the City, knowing what would be expected.  I LOVE my job.
The thing that surprises me about my time in "hell" which in this case means most of my events were conducted in above 95 degree temperatures, is that I like to be outside much more than I ever thought.
I have never been the "outdoorsy" type.  Spending time outside became something I looked forward to each week.
I am very happy that I am still able to learn new things about myself.  I think this whole self awareness kick was triggered by learning that no one is really who you think they are and that applies to ourselves.  I have learned so much about others in the past 10 years, I decided enough.  It's time to learn about who this person is, daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother, & grandmother...am I really who I think I am, or who I have been told I am, or who I want to be?
So even though Summer isn't really over, I say, "thank you".  Thank you for showing me that if you love your job, you can be happy in the most uncomfortable circumstances.  Summer makes me feel young, and my first summer as a Grambo didn't change that.  I felt like I was up to the task, and that is important, as I age and know that while somethings are beyond my grasp, somethings are not.
I'm going to savor this three day weekend and think of some interesting topics to cover.
I'll be here tomorrow.  I hope you will too.

xxoo C.

September has her challenges

September.  It has always been a tough month for me.
I don't know why.
Yes I do.
This year I decided to change it up.  I want to set some goals and achieve them, so next year, I'll look back at September and think, "wow, last September was so busy, I stayed off memory lane".

September got better 12 years ago, when Rosey was born, but as is common in my life, the joke is that she was born on the very last day of the month, so as not to disturb my melancholy.

This year, I'm going to make September my bitch.
I have already committed to a meditation practice, and it is helping with self awareness.
That has lead to a personal challenge of "no spend" September.  I have set a goal to not spend any money on things that are not necessary.  When I say that, it doesn't apply to groceries, restaurant meals, etc.  It applies to things that I buy on impulse.  Clearance Items at Target,  "cute" things at T.J. Maxx, Michael's, my true obsession.., my haunts.  During my meditation practice, my thoughts wander to stress about "things.". I have too many.  I have always surrounded myself with stuff, and attached value to it.  I am determined to stop that and leave space for what is important.  This is a huge step for me.

My other commitment is to be here, on the Blog every day.  EVERY DAY. HERE.
Thinking thoughts out loud and sharing.

It is time for September to be recognized for her beauty and this year, I will reconcile with her.
She is forgiven.  I assign her the role of transition month, no longer will she be filled with that kind of ache that can't be cured, or plagued by memories of things that sharply remind me of people and things that were left behind during her darker days. I will treat myself gently and take moments to say some sacred goodbyes, while I think out loud here.  Forgive me if I repeat myself.  It will be for my own good.

This is the picture that sums up June.  It kind of sums up the last eighteen years, as well.
This is the family.  We were a threesome for ten years, and then Zachary got a sister.  Ten months later, Zachary and Regan got a brother.  Six years later, Zachary, Regan and Lucas got a sister.  David and I ended our three decades of "becoming" parents in 2004, but our run as "being" parents will never end.  You are looking at the fruits of my actual labor, and all of the labor that David has done on our behalf from the day each of these people were born.

It is uncharted territory, this parenting of grown-ups.  We have done our best to remain supportive and interested without being pushy or overbearing with the souls entrusted to our care, but we have failed, miserably, at times.  In some cases, the work is just beginning.  

This month has flown by as we celebrated Lucas graduation from Hillcrest High School.  He was honored with a diploma from the Fine Arts Center in the Creative Writing Discipline, as well.  He worked hard and finished with stellar grades.  I am exceedingly proud, because I know that he really didn't care for the rigors of High School, nor was he a fan of the social confines of the institution. Lucas is a solitary man.  He exceeded our expectations for the final year of school, and didn't surprise us with his decision not to proceed to higher education at this time.  His adventure awaits.

The Graduation Celebration consisted of a real party with guests that joined from New York, as well as our local friends.  My Dad and Gail attended, as well as Joseph (if you know me, he needs no further introduction) and Lucas' "Fairy Godmother" made a surprise appearance, and that was the best gift Lucas received.  The end of the month brought a visit from Uncle Steve, (Lucas' Godfather) and Sophia Grace, Uncle Steve's youngest daughter.  Many of Lucas' favorite people were in attendance, and those that couldn't be here, were in our thoughts. In many cases, time has marched on and diminished our circle for reasons of distance, either physical, emotional, philosophical or because of death.  That is the true assessment of how things really go.  We lose people, and we gain people.  We let people in, and we let them out.  The trick, as I like to say, is knowing when the time is right for all of it.

So I share the picture.
This is one of those photos that captures a moment that was hard earned, and truly appreciated.
I share it because, I know what is not guaranteed, and that is another photo like this.  The original family, all at once, smiling, together, in the moment.

I take too much for granted, and I have begun to recognize that flaw.
I am starting with this photo as a reminder to stop that, and to appreciate each opportunity to share the joys of life with these five people and the extraordinary (absent) daughter-in-law, and granddaughters that make up this family that is the result of a really smart decision I made in 1983, by telling David "if you're going to ask me out, you better hurry"...

What happened to that girl?   Just look at the photo and you'll see.

Hello from the other side of the hill!

April 2015 brought me to the top of the hill, and this April has started my journey down the other side.  If you're a James Taylor fan, you know what I'm talking about.  The lyric..."nobody knows how we got to the top of the hill, but since we're on our way down, we might as well enjoy the ride" has never rung more true than it does in this moment.
My old Blog was about the day to day, and the little things that go on in the life of a wife, mother, and friend who is dabbling in all the things that go along with having children of a certain age, and trying to remain somewhat relevant.  "shesreallydoingthis" was born because I was getting ready to play Fanny Brice on stage in Funny Girl, and even I couldn't believe my own audacity.
WELL...That was a very long time ago.  I've been a lot of other things besides a funny girl since then, and I have the scars to show for it, along with the smile lines.

This "written trip down the hill" will be a bit of a memoir.  I think it's time to create a record of all of the stories that I tell so often that I say to the listener "Tell me if I'm repeating myself" at least once a day.
I tell my kids the things I want them to know, so they have a frame of reference for why I do the things I do.  I ask the question "Do you remember" a lot more these days, maybe so I won't forget.

I want to remember. I want to share. I want to rip the band aid off of some of the things that have scabbed over, in the hopes of helping the people in my life avoid some of the mistakes I've made, and also encourage them to jump in and make some of the same mistakes because they were TOTALLY worth it.  I want to tell stories.  I want to get to know the people I love all over again through my own lens of memory.

I want to live with my eye on what is important, people, places and time shared.
In the end, it will all be about people, places and time shared.  It will also be about lyrics to songs that inspire us to take a moment and realize that it really is a "lovely ride".

xo
C